A Controversial Letter to God

Dear God,

Today, I have decided to write a letter to you. I feel it is the best way I can express myself since You gave me this gift of writing. I want to talk to you openly about this issue I am about to write. I want to pour out my heart, my hurt and my disappointment.

I have grown up in a Christian home. I have grown up in church. Church is where I found belonging and community. From an early age, my parents taught me about salvation, prayer, fasting, giving, fellowship, service to God and the whole nine yards concerning Christianity. I was told that if I follow a certain path that the Church (and the Bible?) taught me, my future would be assured.  That I would end up with anything I prayed and trusted God for. Of course if what I wanted is/was according to His will, I was told. I drew comfort that I have a loving God; a loving Father who is concerned about my life.  My future. 

I was told to walk by faith and You would supply all my needs. I was told to believe in my heart for what I was praying for. I was told to make confessions with my lips. I was told to not doubt.  And I would receive what I was praying and trusting You for. I did all that. Faithfully. I prayed faithfully. I attended church faithfully. I fasted faithfully. I was told ‘God’s time is the best’, ‘My miracle is at the corner’, ‘Just wait a little longer,’ ‘My morning will come’, ‘Good things come to those who wait,’ and many other statements.

But right now, I do not feel the comfort, belonging or community of church. I no longer harbor the pure thoughts I had about keeping faith and making confessions. You know that I still pray to You but not as much as I used to. I still go to church but not as frequent as I used to. I am afraid that my worship has been heavily affected. I am asking myself, where did the disconnect start from? Did I fail? Did You fail? Did the church fail? I am told You never fail. Therefore, I must have failed or the church failed.

For awhile now, I have been under a lot of pressure from the society and from myself to have a family. I am receiving this onslaught from church, society, friends, family and even little known acquaintances! Can you imagine walking into an office and after transacting your business somebody tells you:  

“I have known you since you were a girl. Now, you are a woman, what are you thinking about your life? Why aren’t you married? If you cannot get married, then get a child. Time is not on your side!”

Or when everything you do, whether good or bad, is reduced to you not having a man. My whole life is being summarized through the lenses of not having a man’s last name!

Dear God, these are just few examples. There are many more.  I have been insulted and ridiculed on account of this. It gets worse when you feel that the same thoughts are harbored by close family members. When you are told:

‘Just get married. Ikiharibika acha iharibikie huko mbele’. 

So now, the push is to get married even if it is to anyone. Just get married! 

Have I become unwanted just because I am not married? Can’t I be celebrated for other things? People will tell me to not let what other people think get in to me. That I should rise above society’s expectations. What if the dissatisfaction is from within? What next? How do I rise above it? 

But how did I get to where I am right now? I do not know. How did all the single women in church get to where they are right now? Of course, we have been told we are too choosy. We are too spiritual. We have an attitude. We are too strict. We are too uptight. We should smile more. We should be more welcoming. We should lose weight. We should involve ourselves in more church activities in order to be seen. We should pray more. Fast more. Bla. Bla. Bla.

The church has taught single women to only consider and look in the direction of saved and born again men. But how many are they in church compared to the women? How many are they in the society? That aside, why can’t a Pentecostal get married to a Catholic or an SDA? When the church further narrows the places and spaces where church girls are supposed to get married to, what are they expecting to happen? What is the miracle you ask me to wait for? Are we so much disconnected from the reality on the ground? Are we expecting showers of men from heaven? That aside, how about not marrying or getting married to a divorcee? Dear God, did you expressly forbid that? If so, what are the single women-and men-supposed to do when they divorce at an early age? Wait for 40years or more until their estranged spouses die? I am told that serving God requires sacrifice and that this is one of the sacrifices. Really, God? Is it? What if you have not called me to singlehood? How am I supposed to live the rest of my life? 

Do you know what else I have been made to go through? When it seemed like I am delaying in making progress in this particular area of my life, I was made to think and feel that I was the one with the problem. And to remedy that? I have gone through the hands of several men of God for several deliverances to rebuke this demon and that, to cut links with this and that, to disconnect me from this and that. 

Dear God, I am tired. And I am done. 

I had never known how much my inner dissatisfaction could affect me and everything around me.  I held on. And I held on.  I am not able to hold on any longer. I have reached the end of my tether. I am afraid that I may be beyond saving. It is a scary place to be but I need to move on. I need to say I tried something else and failed. I need to face the consequences of my actions. I hope You understand. I hope in Your judgment You will remember mercy.