Facing My Insecurities.
I have always wanted to write about my life experiences during the not so many years I have lived on this earth. More specifically though, I have always wanted to write about one area of my life. I desire to write about this part of my life for two reasons: to let out the hurt, pain and bitterness and also so that others may read and learn from me.
So, i chanced to listen to Bishop David Murithi of House of Grace (Nairobi) on Citizen T.V. His sermon had the heading: Facing Your Insecurity. This issue particularly affects my life. Even though I have outgrown some of the sensitive issues that threatened to cripple my life, I realize i still encounter effects of it in my daily activities.
I will tell you about my self. I am an introvert. I am melancholic. It is said of this personality that they are reserved, keep to themselves, talk very little and mostly prefer to be at the background. Being in the limelight is not their forte. Well, I am all that and much more positives and negatives.
Somewhere in my growing up, I was made to believe I was inadequate compared to people around me. As a result, I grew up trying to impress people. I was not as outgoing, bubbly, talkative, on top of issues, visible and aggressive as people close to me were. People asked me why I was not like so and so. I was asked whether I would amount to anything with that kind of my personality. I longed to be like those people I was compared to but I failed miserably.
My primary and secondary school period was not a bed of roses. I did not like myself that much. I did not like how I looked. I felt I was not as beautiful as others. I longed to be like them.My supposed friends did not make it easy either. Snide remarks here and cheeky comments there made me sink further to myself. I built a wall around myself; i did not want to be hurt by anyone. The world was cold. Almost brutal.
This wall prevented me from excelling. It prevented me from being myself. I was afraid to venture out to the unknown. I, instead, concentrated on protecting my fledgeling image. I looked at myself and did not like one bit about me. I threw my weight into reading and as a result, I always excelled academically. Books became my solace and I would read voluminous novels days on end and in to the dead of the night. Sometimes, morning would find me still reading.
If I found it hard in primary and secondary school, I was not prepared for what i found at the university. I was thrown in to the world; very far away from home.I met different people from different backgrounds. I would look at them and feel sorry for myself. How was I going to stay with them for four years? How was I going to cope? How was I to protect myself from hurt?
While my classmates and other friends embraced university life and all that came with it, I decided on one thing: I would not let anyone near me. No one would come close to me. I would not open myself up to any one. I would concentrate on what had taken me to that country. True to my words, i was always came on top of my class.Looking back now, I realized i did not live an integrated life.
As I reach this part of my story, I still get emotional and overwhelmed. Psalm 124:2-6 is a befitting verse to express this:
2 If the LORD had not been on our side when men attacked us, 3 when their anger flared against us, they would have swallowed us alive; 4 the flood would have engulfed us, the torrent would have swept over us, 5 the raging waters would have swept us away. 6 Praise be to the LORD, who has not let us be torn by their teeth.
Were it not for God's love! Praise the Lord! Were it not for His mercies I would not be where I am today. While I was making my plans God was making His. He had not forgotten me.
I like to imagine Him this way: He had looked at me with compassion and said:
'My child, I am God. I am your Father.I make the impossible possible. I have great plans for you. There are nations within you. There is greatness within you. You are royalty. I will not leave you. Never will I forsake you.'
In this strange land with new environment and people, God chose to turn my life around. He brought people to my life who loved me out of my cage. He brought me a family that affirmed me, believed in me, hugged me, told me they loved me, took it upon themselves to make me their own, loved me as they could love their own child. They told me I am precious, I am a gem, I am worthy, I am valuable.They provided for me both financially, materially, emotionally and spiritually.
A people I had never met before became my greatest anchor. They taught me the word of God. They became my second family. My four years there turned out to be the best years of my entire life. God transformed me. God changed my tattered image about me. He made me the envy of my friends.He made me dine with kings and queens.But for my God!
Today, I stand transformed. I stand envied. I am full of life. Full of hope. No one can put me down on grounds of my personality or appearance. No one can change what I know God has said about me. No one can change my perception of me. I am redeemed! I am delivered! I am set free!
To anyone who will read this story and identifies with it; God is your anchor. He is well able to turn your life around. He has your blueprint. He knows your purpose. He is your definition.
A little caution to all of us: Be careful with what you say. Do not throw words around. If you must speak, let them be words laced with kindness and love. Negative words do affect people and, sometimes, even form people. Even in your anger, do not utter unkind words. We come in different packages. We have different personalities but God created us all. I pray we learn to accommodate each other, love each other, be there for each other. I pray we learn to invest in the lives of people. To me, it is the greatest investment ever and that is what I am asking God to help me do everyday.
I pray you do the same too!
So, i chanced to listen to Bishop David Murithi of House of Grace (Nairobi) on Citizen T.V. His sermon had the heading: Facing Your Insecurity. This issue particularly affects my life. Even though I have outgrown some of the sensitive issues that threatened to cripple my life, I realize i still encounter effects of it in my daily activities.
I will tell you about my self. I am an introvert. I am melancholic. It is said of this personality that they are reserved, keep to themselves, talk very little and mostly prefer to be at the background. Being in the limelight is not their forte. Well, I am all that and much more positives and negatives.
Somewhere in my growing up, I was made to believe I was inadequate compared to people around me. As a result, I grew up trying to impress people. I was not as outgoing, bubbly, talkative, on top of issues, visible and aggressive as people close to me were. People asked me why I was not like so and so. I was asked whether I would amount to anything with that kind of my personality. I longed to be like those people I was compared to but I failed miserably.
My primary and secondary school period was not a bed of roses. I did not like myself that much. I did not like how I looked. I felt I was not as beautiful as others. I longed to be like them.My supposed friends did not make it easy either. Snide remarks here and cheeky comments there made me sink further to myself. I built a wall around myself; i did not want to be hurt by anyone. The world was cold. Almost brutal.
This wall prevented me from excelling. It prevented me from being myself. I was afraid to venture out to the unknown. I, instead, concentrated on protecting my fledgeling image. I looked at myself and did not like one bit about me. I threw my weight into reading and as a result, I always excelled academically. Books became my solace and I would read voluminous novels days on end and in to the dead of the night. Sometimes, morning would find me still reading.
If I found it hard in primary and secondary school, I was not prepared for what i found at the university. I was thrown in to the world; very far away from home.I met different people from different backgrounds. I would look at them and feel sorry for myself. How was I going to stay with them for four years? How was I going to cope? How was I to protect myself from hurt?
While my classmates and other friends embraced university life and all that came with it, I decided on one thing: I would not let anyone near me. No one would come close to me. I would not open myself up to any one. I would concentrate on what had taken me to that country. True to my words, i was always came on top of my class.Looking back now, I realized i did not live an integrated life.
As I reach this part of my story, I still get emotional and overwhelmed. Psalm 124:2-6 is a befitting verse to express this:
2 If the LORD had not been on our side when men attacked us, 3 when their anger flared against us, they would have swallowed us alive; 4 the flood would have engulfed us, the torrent would have swept over us, 5 the raging waters would have swept us away. 6 Praise be to the LORD, who has not let us be torn by their teeth.
Were it not for God's love! Praise the Lord! Were it not for His mercies I would not be where I am today. While I was making my plans God was making His. He had not forgotten me.
I like to imagine Him this way: He had looked at me with compassion and said:
'My child, I am God. I am your Father.I make the impossible possible. I have great plans for you. There are nations within you. There is greatness within you. You are royalty. I will not leave you. Never will I forsake you.'
In this strange land with new environment and people, God chose to turn my life around. He brought people to my life who loved me out of my cage. He brought me a family that affirmed me, believed in me, hugged me, told me they loved me, took it upon themselves to make me their own, loved me as they could love their own child. They told me I am precious, I am a gem, I am worthy, I am valuable.They provided for me both financially, materially, emotionally and spiritually.
A people I had never met before became my greatest anchor. They taught me the word of God. They became my second family. My four years there turned out to be the best years of my entire life. God transformed me. God changed my tattered image about me. He made me the envy of my friends.He made me dine with kings and queens.But for my God!
Today, I stand transformed. I stand envied. I am full of life. Full of hope. No one can put me down on grounds of my personality or appearance. No one can change what I know God has said about me. No one can change my perception of me. I am redeemed! I am delivered! I am set free!
To anyone who will read this story and identifies with it; God is your anchor. He is well able to turn your life around. He has your blueprint. He knows your purpose. He is your definition.
A little caution to all of us: Be careful with what you say. Do not throw words around. If you must speak, let them be words laced with kindness and love. Negative words do affect people and, sometimes, even form people. Even in your anger, do not utter unkind words. We come in different packages. We have different personalities but God created us all. I pray we learn to accommodate each other, love each other, be there for each other. I pray we learn to invest in the lives of people. To me, it is the greatest investment ever and that is what I am asking God to help me do everyday.
I pray you do the same too!
Lovely...we find our destiny on the road that we take to avoid it most times...
ReplyDeleteThank you Andrew.
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