Is Love Worth Its Definition?

 The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines love as a strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties. It also defines it as an attraction based on sexual desire out of affection and tenderness felt by lovers. Others define it as a willingness to prioritize another's well-being or happiness above your own. Still, others define it as a fleeting emotion of care, affection, and like.

In the current advanced African society, it is almost expected that love should lead to marriage whether the marriage be blissful or not. This is unlike the past where love did not play a central role in the success or failure in the union of two strangers.  Trusted elders of two families would agree, after intensive investigations for any flaws in the family line one desired to get married to and, if they were satisfied, a traditional marriage ceremony would then follow. These marriages seemed to stand the test of time and survive the turbulence which comes with this institution. This is unlike what we currently experience in the world where so many marriages built on love seem to be crumbling. I am constantly hearing the statement ‘Love is a scam’ from both the married and the single people. It also beats my understanding how love can turn into hate so much so that one can kill another for being jilted. If love was worth its definition, how then do we experience this disconnect?

I am not sure whether I have experienced any of the above definitions of love. If marriage were to come out of love, I would probably be in a successful marriage by now. That is if love were to be automatically equated to a blissful marriage or any marriage for that matter. As I grow older though, I realize that love, as I used to know it, is no longer conforming to the traditional and long held belief on love. I think love has mutated to mean different things to different people. Personally, I feel I have experienced another form of love. A love that has not been tied to the institution of marriage but is fulfilling nonetheless. I would rather a person who is supportive of my aspirations and goes out of their way to show it. I would rather a person who is so in tune with my personality that they revel in it. I say this out of misconception I come across every day due to my personality. At this point in my life, I have realized that very few people really do know and understand who I am. I have been dismissed, misunderstood and considered to ‘have a problem’ just because of my ‘complicated’ personality. For me, therefore, love is expressed in a person who veers off from these misconceptions and sits comfortably with who I am. To me, that is my pure definition of love; to be able to deeply connect with someone when everyone around seem to be struggling with the same.

I am also focusing my reflection on the sustainability of one aspect of love which the African society has put so much emphasis on. In the African context, a man is expected to be the breadwinner in his home. He is, therefore, expected to meet the needs of his wife and children, if he has any. This means that he is obligated to provide food, clothing, shelter and other needs like paying school fees if the children are in school. For the African man, love means meeting the needs of his nuclear family and, sometimes, extended family. For the woman, her role is to take care of the home and cater to the sexual needs of the man. This is despite the fact that a woman could be holding a well-paying job and is well able to chip in in the growth of the family. The phrase ‘His money is our money and my money is my money’ comes to mind.

I have noticed though that there is a paradigm shift in the way gender roles have been traditionally structured. More and more women are becoming economically empowered compared to their male counterparts. The sources of income for the male folk seem to be dwindling while that of the female folk seem to be on an upward trajectory. Or, both their economic muscles seem to almost be at par. The implication of this shift is that in the near future, if this trend continues, there will be a transfer of economic power to the female. Women may have to become providers in terms of food, shelter, clothing and other attendant needs. However, this does not seem to sit well with the patriarchal society we live in. Men are shifting uncomfortably in their seats due to this exchange of power. This is due to the fact that they have not been brought up to be taken care of by a woman. What happens then?

I ask myself, if love is the act of caring and giving to someone else or of having someone's best interest and wellbeing as a priority in your life. If to truly love is a very selfless act, why then should it be an issue when two people in a marriage, or a romantic relationship, feel it is disrupting nature when a woman takes care of her man and children? Why should the society shame such a man? Why should the man feel emasculated? Why should it be a cause for worry when a woman is empowered? Isn’t it for the good of the family as well? If love means knowing that no matter what, you have someone to count on. If it is unconditional, why should the man feel insecure when his woman is earning more than him? Why should it matter if she is more educated? Isn’t love supposed to “……bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things…..” according to 1 Corinthians 13:4-8? Why then does it fail in this instance?

Should a man be condemned to a life of misery and ridicule because he is not lucky to have fat pockets? Should a woman live a ‘less than’ life because she needs not to be seen as having more than the man she loves and adores? Should the society load its expectations over two people who love each other on what is considered right or wrong? Where is the place of cultural change in all these? Is all doomed to fail because the status quo is being shattered? If so, then love is not worth its definition.