A Controversial Letter to God
Dear
God,
Today,
I have decided to write a letter to you. I feel it is the best way I can
express myself since You gave me this gift of writing. I want to talk to you
openly about this issue I am about to write. I want to pour out my heart, my hurt
and my disappointment.
I
have grown up in a Christian home. I have grown up in church. Church is where I
found belonging and community. From an early age, my parents taught me about
salvation, prayer, fasting, giving, fellowship, service to God and the whole
nine yards concerning Christianity. I was told that if I follow a certain path
that the Church (and the Bible?) taught me, my future would be assured. That I would end up with anything I prayed
and trusted God for. Of course if what I wanted is/was according to His will, I
was told. I drew comfort that I have a loving God; a loving Father who is
concerned about my life. My future.
I
was told to walk by faith and You would supply all my needs. I was told to
believe in my heart for what I was praying for. I was told to make confessions
with my lips. I was told to not doubt.
And I would receive what I was praying and trusting You for. I did all
that. Faithfully. I prayed faithfully. I attended church faithfully. I fasted
faithfully. I was told ‘God’s time is the best’, ‘My miracle is at the corner’,
‘Just wait a little longer,’ ‘My morning will come’, ‘Good things come to those
who wait,’ and many other statements.
But
right now, I do not feel the comfort, belonging or community of church. I no
longer harbor the pure thoughts I had about keeping faith and making
confessions. You know that I still pray to You but not as much as I used to. I
still go to church but not as frequent as I used to. I am afraid that my
worship has been heavily affected. I am asking myself, where did the disconnect
start from? Did I fail? Did You fail? Did the church fail? I am told You never
fail. Therefore, I must have failed or the church failed.
For
awhile now, I have been under a lot of pressure from the society and from
myself to have a family. I am receiving this onslaught from church, society,
friends, family and even little known acquaintances! Can you imagine walking
into an office and after transacting your business somebody tells you:
“I
have known you since you were a girl. Now, you are a woman, what are you
thinking about your life? Why aren’t you married? If you cannot get married,
then get a child. Time is not on your side!”
Or
when everything you do, whether good or bad, is reduced to you not having a
man. My whole life is being summarized through the lenses of not having a man’s
last name!
Dear
God, these are just few examples. There are many more. I have been insulted and ridiculed on account of
this. It gets worse when you feel that the same thoughts are harbored by close
family members. When you are told:
‘Just
get married. Ikiharibika acha iharibikie
huko mbele’.
So
now, the push is to get married even if it is to anyone. Just get married!
Have
I become unwanted just because I am not married? Can’t I be celebrated for
other things? People will tell me to not let what other people think get in to
me. That I should rise above society’s expectations. What if the
dissatisfaction is from within? What next? How do I rise above it?
But
how did I get to where I am right now? I do not know. How did all the single
women in church get to where they are right now? Of course, we have been told
we are too choosy. We are too spiritual. We have an attitude. We are too
strict. We are too uptight. We should smile more. We should be more welcoming.
We should lose weight. We should involve ourselves in more church activities in
order to be seen. We should pray more. Fast more. Bla. Bla. Bla.
The
church has taught single women to only consider and look in the direction of
saved and born again men. But how many are they in church compared to the
women? How many are they in the society? That aside, why can’t a Pentecostal
get married to a Catholic or an SDA? When the church further narrows the places
and spaces where church girls are supposed to get married to, what are they
expecting to happen? What is the miracle you ask me to wait for? Are we so much
disconnected from the reality on the ground? Are we expecting showers of men
from heaven? That aside, how about not marrying or getting married to a
divorcee? Dear God, did you expressly forbid that? If so, what are the single
women-and men-supposed to do when they divorce at an early age? Wait for
40years or more until their estranged spouses die? I am told that serving God
requires sacrifice and that this is one of the sacrifices. Really, God? Is it? What
if you have not called me to singlehood? How am I supposed to live the rest of
my life?
Do
you know what else I have been made to go through? When it seemed like I am
delaying in making progress in this particular area of my life, I was made to
think and feel that I was the one with the problem. And to remedy that? I have
gone through the hands of several men of God for several deliverances to rebuke
this demon and that, to cut links with this and that, to disconnect me from
this and that.
Dear
God, I am tired. And I am done.
I
had never known how much my inner dissatisfaction could affect me and
everything around me. I held on. And I
held on. I am not able to hold on any
longer. I have reached the end of my tether. I am afraid that I may be beyond
saving. It is a scary place to be but I need to move on. I need to say I tried something
else and failed. I need to face the consequences of my actions. I hope You understand.
I hope in Your judgment You will remember mercy.
Hello Brenda, you do not need to succumb to any pressure. Life is not just about marriage. People may push and pull but no one will live on our behalf. Relax and wait on Gods time siz.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Patty.
DeleteDear Brenda.After all the questions you have asked God,I don't feel I am justified even to tell you anything.you feel lost and you can't find yourself. Please live your life the way you want..but all in all,don't sin against God.you can still find great satisfaction and be happy in your singlehood.Don't listen to negative voices.Even in this state I love you more and wish you well.You can lean on my shoulders.
ReplyDeleteHey, thank you for this. It has come as 'unknown'. Who is this please?
DeleteLilian mbako
DeleteMy sister what you need is a personal experience with God......so that ypu dont say " i was told...."you grew up in a christian background and you were instructed almost on everything(doctrines) and thats the confusing part of it....you concentrated on them so much and forgot what the bible says about you and concentrated on what the society/church wants/expects of you. Paragraph 4 you do not feel.........because you have started understanding God differently from what you were told......and that is the way to go until you have an encounter with him personally....
ReplyDeleteThank you, Henry, for your comment.
DeleteMy sister what you need is a personal experience with God......so that ypu dont say " i was told...."you grew up in a christian background and you were instructed almost on everything(doctrines) and thats the confusing part of it....you concentrated on them so much and forgot what the bible says about you and concentrated on what the society/church wants/expects of you. Paragraph 4 you do not feel.........because you have started understanding God differently from what you were told......and that is the way to go until you have an encounter with him personally....
ReplyDeleteMy sister what you need is a personal experience with God......so that ypu dont say " i was told...."you grew up in a christian background and you were instructed almost on everything(doctrines) and thats the confusing part of it....you concentrated on them so much and forgot what the bible says about you and concentrated on what the society/church wants/expects of you. Paragraph 4 you do not feel.........because you have started understanding God differently from what you were told......and that is the way to go until you have an encounter with him personally....
ReplyDeleteMay your Soul be preserved. Psalm 121:7. Be preserved from all evil. You need preservation since you've hit the age. May you be preserved from all evil. shalom
ReplyDeleteThank you, Rejoice, for your comment.
Delete